halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
