How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
