Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
