So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
