She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I want her autograph on my taint
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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