Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Everything about him screamed your future.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
