but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize