I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
