Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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