Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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