just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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