My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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