There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
