You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
