Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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