remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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