i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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