you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
