Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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