mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
