He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
