I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
PANTIES FOUND
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
