It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
