I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
