What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
