I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
