Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
