I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
