I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
