You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
