I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
