It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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