Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
