non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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