I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
