He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
