My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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