I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
