I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
