I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i believe in u and ur pee
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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