All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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