so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
