Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
