I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
