I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she told me i tasted like america
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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