hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
