I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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