Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
