my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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