Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
