Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
