I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
