recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
