cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He better not be in your backpack
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
