Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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